The world slows down as I drive past the panoramic view of the North Shore that can best be described by it’s distinct ocean scent. The fresh sea breeze flows through the car as we head back home to Laiʻe. The drive is like any other, surfers dotting the watery landscape waiting for the perfect wave as drivers slow down to rubber neck. The pace is slow but constant as we make our way through the only road that moves through the sand filled towns. Unlike any other day my mind is set on the future and the young lady that sits next to me while her hair is brushed back by the wind.
“Do you want to be with me?”
Those words were stunning as I cautiously responded with, “Do you want the truth?”
Her expression quickly changes as she tries to put Pandora back in the box, “No. That’s okay.”
She had been the first to admit that she wanted something more and luckily she did because I wouldn’t have had the courage to bring it up. We sit in silence until the upbeat tunes of the music moves me to sing. Without shame I belt out my best vocals that seem to lighten the mood enough to start another conversation that consisted of a hypothetical question wherein we debate over until someone cries uncle. I know, we’re nerds.
During the drive back I wondered how we ended up on this path.
For many students BYU Hawaii is a place of spiritual and academic learning. Others come looking for an opportunity that isn’t afforded them in their country. I, on the other hand came looking for peace from the turmoil I left behind on the island of Maui. I needed peace from the drama that my father’s drug addiction caused. I could no longer handle the burden of trying to help my family without any success. My emotional state was fragile as I had just tried to commit suicide twice in the span of a few months. It was time for a fresh start in a place that few knew my name. Where I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Over the course of my first semester I lived with students from the US mainland. This allowed me to get even further away from my roots. I needed to be surrounded by people that saw me with a clean slate. This gave me the opportunity to forge a new identity, and did I ever.
Before I met my wife I was enjoying the single life. I hustled for dates and did things that I would have never imagined doing like playing tag at midnight in a Pineapple Maze. I worked and played hard. Life seemed perfect until that fateful day I met my wife at a Hawaiian club meeting. We would become quick friends as we worked together. We were even in the same major and consequently sat in the same classes. We spent hours studying, working and playing together. At some point I even sought advice from her about other relationships I was pursuing. We shared everything with each other. The good, the bad and the ugly. There weren’t many secrets between us and it was refreshing not having to deal with getting to know someone on a date. I was marrying my best friend and it seemed natural and its cliche but it felt like destiny.
Our relationship would naturally change after getting married and having children. It was time to be responsible like all adults and settle into a career. We both struggled with understanding our passion in life as we tried to balance what we wanted and what we had to do. Picking careers that paid well seemed logical and mature, however, as I put my heart into my career I found myself trapped in a job that seemed to re-invite depression into my life. There were good times and then there were those days that I wanted to put a bullet in my head. I didn’t and I don’t because of the support and love I receive from my wife and children. Even with these relationships serving as a buffer the identity I had forged in Laiʻe has long been replaced by one that in the past has almost killed me twice.
This is where I am now. I’ve come to realize that I can’t live like this. I believe my kids would rather I chase my dreams then live a life constantly fighting with depression – a life I hope they won’t repeat. The things that I do now will be focused on adding the spark that chases away the darkness that hangs over me when I feel disconnected. One of the sparks is this blog, which I hope will not only be a record of my life but a venue to express my unfiltered feelings and thoughts. Starting today, my goal is to turn back the clock and be figuratively back on that North Shore road heading to Laiʻe. Heading to my sanctuary with my family. Where I re-imagined myself. I hope you enjoy the ride with me and maybe even learn a few things as I pursue new challenges and strive to redefine who I am.
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